Minimizing stress during holiday gatherings.
While the holiday season can be a happy time for many, it’s also common to feel a sense of stress during the holiday season. Whether you’re having difficulty with unrealistic expectations around gifts and meals and holiday “magic” or whether you’re dreading the family dinner that will inevitably end in an argument about politics, you may be wondering how to minimize stress around the holiday season in order to maximize your enjoyment of and presence during the things that really matter to you.
Unpacking all of these ideas can take time and practice (and therapy! Lucky for you, I happen to know a therapist who can help you do that), though here are a few tips to minimize stress around the holidays.
Identify what matters to you. So often our culture or our family tells us that this one thing (a certain meal, a certain gift, time spent with every member of your entire family) is the most important thing ever and our own values can often get mixed up in the values of others. Before the holiday season begins, identify what are the most important events/values/feelings to you during the holiday season. These could be as simple as a feeling of “calm” or “celebration” or maybe it’s “celebration time with a few select family members” or maybe even “Thanksgiving dinner.” We will all have priorities about what we believe matters to us during the holiday season, which leads us to…
Try to allow yourself to have different values than others. This is easier said than done, though we often feel pressure to compromise on our values in order to maintain the values of others. Instead of neglecting your own values or priorities, allow yourself to have differing values and priorities of others. Again, this may be against the unspoken “rules” of your family (which would be a great thing to discuss in therapy) and it takes work to break out of those expectations, but the first place to start is accepting that you have different values and priorities. THAT IS OK!
Identify any boundaries that may need to be set in order to help you maintain your values and priorities this holiday season. If your priorities for your own holiday season don’t align with the expectations of others, are there different plans you need to make?
Are there time limits you need to set while spending time with certain people?
Are there phrases you need to practice? Like “Hey Grandpa, I can tell this is really important to you but I won’t be discussing that today.” Or “I am unable to get gifts for everyone this year but I would love to participate in a name-draw.”
Are there events that you need to say “thank you for inviting me, but I’m unable to make that” to?
This is an uncomfortable experience to be sure. At the same time, it will be uncomfortable if you discard your values and priorities just to make others happy. Which type of discomfort do you want this holiday season?
Practice self-compassion and compassion for others to help you accept your different values and to help you set boundaries. No one can say it better than the self-compassion expert herself, Dr. Kristen Neff, so I’ll leave this guided self-compassion practice here.
I may sound like broken record but this is HARD work and will likely take more than just one holiday season to practice. Therapy is a really great place to unpack all of this, including the idea of self-compassion and boundary-setting.
If you’re interested in a free phone consultation to discuss your concerns and goals for therapy, I’d love to talk with you. Schedule a free phone consultation here. I can’t wait to talk to you.
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Erin Drum, LCSW, is a mental health therapist in Salt Lake City, Utah who provides EMDR and IFS (among other treatments) to help clients find inner peace and acceptance.
