Why I don’t like “New Year’s Resolutions.”

The image is so clear: your goals are set and this is the year you finally become a new person. You wake up on January 1st ready to tackle the world. But then… February 1st rolls around and you’re beating yourself up for already “failing” your goals.

Does this sound familiar? It’s estimated that at least 80% of resolution makers have “failed” by February. You’re not alone.

But should you consider doing something different this year?

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I’ve been a “non-fan” (aka a gentler way of saying “anti”) of New Year’s Resolutions for several years now — even before becoming a therapist — and here’s why:

Change isn’t always behavioral - Ok I’m starting with a heavy hitter and not everyone will agree with me but that’s fine. I am a firm believer that if change came from simple behavioral changes, we’d all be superheroes. And sure, I fully believe that we can build new habits or change existing habits by simple behavioral mechanisms (ex: setting a bedtime alarm on your phone). Humans are adaptable!

But I’m also a firm believer that change often isn’t behavioral — our habits (or lack thereof) often boil down to our values and to our perceptions of ourselves and the world. As much as Behavioral Therapists may disagree with me, I don’t believe that new behaviors will automatically change our values or perceptions. Oftentimes, change comes from exploring and identifying our values and our perceptions of ourselves and others before slapping a new habit on things. I won’t belabor the point here, but therapy can be a really great place to explore some of these values and perceptions that are holding you back.

Resolutions create all or nothing thinking - Something that really grinds my gears about New Year’s Resolutions is that they make us believe we only have one shot to change. I mean, wow, talk about pressure! If we place so much emphasis on one day of the year to “re-set,” we may end up either a) creating high expectations we can’t meet or b) neglecting that fact that every single day we wake up is a day we can do something different, if we really want to. Instead of putting so much pressure on a “new year” to be a “new me,” what if we viewed ourselves as always capable of implementing new change? How might that shift things for you?

Change can be slow - I’m repeating a theme from my last post about change in therapy but it’s worth repeating: change can be slow! Our brains and bodies have adapted to our current states of being and it’s usually incredibly unrealistic to expect our brains and bodies to make a 180 overnight. Additionally, New Year’s Resolutions are often “quick fixes,” when what we might in fact need are “slow fixes.” If we set ourselves up to believe that we’ll have a “quick fix” we’re likely to stop early if we don’t see the change we were hoping for.

Resolutions inspire unrealistic goals - Social and cultural pressure often lead us to believe that we need to be at the “ideal” end-goal immediately! Like, yesterday! So we set a goal for ourselves that is either a) not what we want or b) too far off from where we’re currently at.

For example, maybe you’d like to move your body more. Cultural messaging tells you that the way to do this is to spend 45 minutes in the gym 5 times per week so you make this your immediate goal. “I will wake up on January 1st and start going to the gym 5 times a day for 45 minutes.” But if a) you actually hate the gym and b) you’re starting from minimal daily movement, there is no way you’ll want to or be able to stick to such a high expectation for yourself. If the goal doesn’t align with what you want for yourself or what is realistic with your current life (ex: kids or a work schedule that make it difficult to get to the gym, cost-factors, etc.), then it is highly unlikely you’ll achieve that goal and it is highly likely that you’ll make yourself miserable trying to achieve the goal.

And finally:

Resolutions often leave us neglecting self-compassion - Watching everyone around us strive for a picture-perfect life often sets us up to be really hard on ourselves. But the reality is, your life is incredibly different than my life, which is different from their life, and so on. If we bully ourselves into believing we should be doing x, y, and z, not only are we being unrealistic with ourselves but we’re also failing to have compassion on our own circumstances and our own very real limitations. Your life circumstances and limitations matter! You deserve to make change in ways that work for you and to have compassion on your own process - however fast or slow or however differently it looks from the people on instagram.

I’d encourage you to ask yourself, “is the most compassionate thing for me to set and work towards a goal or is it to pause to appreciate making it to 2024 without holding myself to a specific goal?” You’re allowed to rest right here and right now.

If after all that, you’re still wanting to make a New Year’s Resolution for yourself, that’s ok! That’s your prerogative. Might I suggest googling “SMART goals” and using that as a helpful guide?

And if you’re reading this and what I said struck a chord with you, I’d encourage you to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation with me. I’d love to talk with you about working together to help you create patterns that feel genuine for you.

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Erin Drum, LCSW, is a mental health therapist in Salt Lake City, Utah who provides EMDR and IFS (among other treatments) to help clients find inner peace and acceptance.