Why are we so hard on ourselves?

If you’re human like me (which I certainly hope you are), I’m sure that you’ve found yourself at some point or another caught in the crossfire of self-criticism and shame. Though we often show our close friends empathy and compassion when they make mistakes, we can be quick to beat ourselves up when we make a mistake or do something we don’t want to.

The phenomenon of beating ourselves up is a complex interplay of emotions, societal expectations, and personal experiences. In this blog post, we delve into some of the reasons behind why we often engage in self-criticism and self-scolding.

Social comparison - Open your internet browser or social media app for just one second and you’ll have probably seen evidence of another person’s success. The internet is other people’s highlight reels and while we know this explicitly, we often implicitly assume that no one else is making mistakes. In a society that strongly emphasizes “success” and “achievement,” we may find ourselves believing that making mistakes or “not always making progress” means we’re doing something wrong, fueling a relentless pursuit of perfection. The fear of falling short of these expectations can lead to self-criticism as we internalize the perceived failures.

Gender expectations - Regardless of your upbringing and understanding of your own gender, Western culture often lauds “toughness” (masculine) and disapproves of “softness” (feminine). While our culture is slowly realizing that harshness and toughness may not actually be helpful, many of us have likely internalized the patriarchal “code of honor” of toughness, harshness, and minimizing difficult events.

The cultural myth of “tough love” - In relation to the gender expectations above, our culture grabbed ahold of the idea that “being tough on a person will make them do better.” Many of us have internalized this myth and used it on ourselves. Ironically, being hard on ourselves often has the opposite effect! Shame is rarely a beneficial motivator so instead of shaming ourselves into loving change, we often shame ourselves into stuck-ness.

Imagine this with me: you have a child who came home with a failing score on a math test. You yell at them and tell them how poor of a job they did. Chances are, they’ll probably feel terrible about themselves, tell themselves they can’t do math, and won’t come to you again when they mess up.

But now imagine this: they come home and you empathize with them. You talk about how failing a test is sad and disappointing and you tell them about a time you once failed a math test. But you don’t leave it at that — you then create a plan, from this place of shared empathy, to help them make sure this doesn’t happen again.

Which seems like the scenario with the best outcome? Hopefully it’s apparent!

And finally,

Past trauma and conditioning - You may have read through that first scenario above and felt anxiety or shame rising in your chest because it’s the exact scenario you lived through as a child. If that’s the case, then it’s no wonder you’ve internalized the critical and harsh voices of your childhood. Childhood experiences and past traumas can shape our self-perception — if we grew up in environments where love and acceptance were conditional upon meeting certain standards, we might internalize a harsh and critical view of ourselves.

If you related to any of this post, there’s good news! You’re not alone. Almost every single person I meet is harsher toward themselves than they are toward others.

And if you feel like you’re ready to break the cycle of self-criticism and shame, there’s also good news. Through exploration of these patterns in therapy and shifting our ways of being toward “self-compassion” (which has copious amounts of research behind it), we can start to treat ourselves the way we would treat a friend and motivate ourselves through kindness instead of disdain.

I encourage you to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation with me. I’d love to talk with you about working together to help you start to break these cycles.

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Erin Drum, LCSW, is a mental health therapist in Salt Lake City, Utah who provides EMDR and IFS (among other treatments) to help clients find inner peace and acceptance.